Hang out here for long with me and you'll see what emerges has little to do with where I've been, who I've seen, what news I've learned of, what I've purchased, what I've done to make someone else's world bright.
Perhaps who you see is someone arising from dark, numb, cold, and occasionally despairing self imprisonment. Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
I am blissfully happy for the third day in a row. In the middle of the night I had a wrestling match with my familiar old monkey of 'not good enough', who usually does a very good job depriving me of my peace of mind. This time I tried a new approach to defeating my pest. I agreed with him (or her?) that I actually prefer joining his little tirade, to actually feeling my own feelings and tending to them myself. Especially if they're painful feelings.
I mean, now that I recognize it's a lie that I'm not worthwhile, everything's changed. I am quite worthwhile, and it's really my obligation and joy to care about me and my feelings. For as long as I can remember, I have farmed out the task of caring about me and my feelings to other people. Well, nobody's making my wellbeing their first order of business now. This could be my golden opportunity to grow. What am I to do about my current woeful undersupply of consideration?
Hear this, monkey! I'm taking 100% responsibility for caring about my feelings, whatever they are. I am keeping tender loving company with me 100% of the time. Well, as often as I remember to.
That monkey must have gotten tired of my musings, because I slipped back to sleep.
Surely 15 minutes are up. I forgot to set the timer!
Good morning
Wishing you your heart's desire today
Oh that beast! He has been scampering around in my life for a very long time. I think it was a year ago when I came to the same thoughts you've come to. You will be surprised how much better you feel when you realize, that at this time of life, it is ALL ABOUT ME!! AND that is not being selfish!
ReplyDeleteYou do me such good, Judy. How can loving ever be selfish? (((hugs)))
DeleteWe are what we are and we either accept it or reject it. It's so much easier when we accept it. The world is filled with people who would not measure up if you held the same measuring stick up to them that you hold up to yourself. In other words no one is perfect so why beat yourself up for being normal?
ReplyDeleteDoesn't everyone assume their own yardstick is accurate, even when it's way off? Ideally we grow up in this safe family cocoon of acceptance, and it becomes our yardstick. But when this safe cocoon of acceptance is missing, and cruelty is in its place like it is around the world for many children, what then? The yardstick will calibrate Machiavellian cruelty.
DeleteI accept that I'm imperfect. If I were, I'd still be carrying around my husband's thrill of loving me. I accept that 23 years with him didn't completely rewire my brain and recalibrate my yardstick. In a sense I'm that soldier recovering from PTSD, having flashbacks. I'm seeking help, gently guiding myself toward the wise loving acceptance you speak of. Thanks for representing a more accurate yardstick ; -)