Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Needy or Not?

Today I began another 30 day Intensive Online Course about loving relationships.  If you don't mind, may I share a little of it with you?  Perhaps you may find its coursework interesting.  If not, I'll pick up on that : -). You'll see pretty pictures for a month. 

Day One of the course, is about needing each other versus being needy.  I quote:

Humans, like many other animals, need each other. We are social beings and we are not meant to be alone. We need each other for many things, such as:
  • Caring, tenderness, hugs, touch and emotional support
  • Connection, sharing love
  • Learning and growing emotionally and spiritually
  • Companionship - sharing fun and laughter, play, adventure and everyday life
  • Love making
  • Physical help when needed
  • Having our back - creating a sense of safety through support

  • We thrive when we feel connected and supported by each other, and we suffer when connection and support are not available. We have these needs as babies and we never lose them.

    When we abandon ourselves by not taking responsibility for our own feelings of self-worth and well-being, we become needy. We are needy when:
  • We don't take physical care of ourselves - eating badly, not exercising, and not getting enough sleep - and then become sick and dependent on others.
  • We avoid attending to our own feelings with various substance and process addictions - alcohol, drugs, food, TV, sex, spending and so on.
  • We choose not to learn and grow emotionally and spiritually, not to pursue our passions, and not to help others, therefore becoming empty inside. When we are empty within, we might expect others to fill us with their attention, love and approval.
  • We see ourselves as victims, blaming others or God for our current circumstances.
  • We judge ourselves harshly, which is the opposite of loving ourselves. Self-judgment creates the inner emptiness that leads to neediness.
  • End of quote. This quote will set destruct in 24 hours, to maintain the privacy of its source.

    The question for all students " Why do you want to be in relationship?"

    My answer:

    "I want to be in a relationship, because I want to feel that circle of love, where each person responds to the other with compassion in all sorts of ways, from helping out, to playing, to being attuned emotionally, laughing, comforting, speaking our truths.  After reading today's topic, I recognize myself as being needy and insecure nowadays, like I don't fit in.   I'm a widow, and I feel like the flapping loose end of a cord that once circled round.  I've had a deeply satisfying marriage and I am not interested in another partner, but I do want to replicate this comfortable intimacy with women friends.  Yet I find making friends with women  so very challenging.  I have made authentic connection online in forums, and in blogs. Yet in 'real life'  I've met either women with little need or time for establishing new friendship, or else very needy women who cling to me.  I am neither someone's fallback, nor last resort, nor rescuer, nor wingman in a mating quest. The question "Why be in a relationship?" is a good one.  My answer:  for comfortable and joyful intimacy.  But, and this is a big BUT, it appears I have mommy issues (eye roll)"

        Good evening  
         to all     


    1. It surprises me that the course places needy and need as one vs. the other. A lot of what they list as 'need' I would label as 'share' (in a relationship) and the first point in the 'needy' column---"We don't take physical care of ourselves - eating badly, not exercising, and not getting enough sleep - and then become sick and dependent on others"---surprises me that they list it as needy. I think of those things as self-destructive and but not involving another person. I guess I define 'needy' as a person who wants someone else to take care of them in a kind of child like way.

      What you said about networking with women online and in person is exactly what I've experienced, too. Women I've met in my 'real-time' life either are the needy types and therefore I don't feel like an equal, or they don't have a need for more friends because they have close family or long-standing friends. Online we can be really open with our opinions and feelings because the risk of getting hurt seem less an issue i.e. they can't call you 10 times day. LOL

      1. The teacher doesn't actually state need VERSUS needy. I did that all on my own ; -)

        Yes, she is making the point that need is normal and good. We are sharing love, when we're coming from a healthy place, a place of unconditional acceptance and respect for ourselves and others. Something tells me this is obvious to you LOL.

        I would also define those needy behaviors above as child-like and self-destructive, exactly as you write. But some unfortunate kids have only self-destructive role models. We figure out that 'love' is a commodity to be bought or sold, granted as a favor or withheld. I'd say this is the legacy of authoritarian child rearing. With a dollop of alcoholism.

        Isn't is weird that we have more confidantes online than in real life? I love the network of friends we make online, where we can support each other to stand on our own two feet, without calling each other 10x a day.

    2. I would like a GOOD relationship. Anybody can get a relationship. LOL
      This looks like an interesting course of study. I have always liked these kinds of "classes"--it feeds right into my ever standing habit of pondering on everything in life.

      1. My Friendship Coach is in the loop on my coursework, and I'm glad you'd like to be, too. I am apprehensive airing my old dirty laundry here. I plan on plopping my dirty laundry in this blog's basin, adding detergent, and scrubbing its stains clean. This next 30 days will be a window into this woman's efforts to heal from chilling maternal abuse.

    3. Thank you for posting this essay about relationships. Boy, the list is a good reminder to think about what you expect from other people and what you need to look at about yourself.
      A Friendship Coach is a title I had never heard of until you mentioned it. I think we could all use one of those! Good work that you are doing. As one of your readers now, I support you along the way!

    4. Thank you, Martha for your support! I created that title for my counselor. Friendship Coach I needed, and Friendship Coach she became. She uses creativity as the wellspring for healing and growth. I believe in the power of creativity with my whole heart, too. It's transformative!