Friday, February 27, 2015

Intimacy....alright!



Today was as valuable as yesterday was disappointing, in my 30 day Course on Loving Relationships. 

Day 3: Fear of Intimacy

Imagine yourself in a warren with wicked female rabbits nibbling your fingers off.  You'd probably tuck your sensitive digits up your sleeve.  Now let's assume the wicked rabbits have been sewn into scarves overseas.  You're still tucking your sensitive fingers up your sleeves.  hmmm

That's what fear of intimacy is.  I admit.  The teacher didn't word it quite this way.  This course is basically psychotherapy online, so it uses phrases like Fear of Abandonment and Fear of Engulfment.  Today we got to look at our fears of intimacy.  We were asked to peel back the layers of our built-in assumptions about how the world works. Assumptions we swallowed wholesale before we even toddled our way across the warren.

If you grew up with those finger nibbling female rabbits, you lived in terror.  Today, our teacher essentially said "Hey, baby - What are you doing in that warren?  Pick up your hammer and smash our way out of it!"

So, earlier today, I spent a couple hours shattering those assumptions.  One such assumption - brown nosing.  Once absolutely necessary, to placate those females in my warren.  Now, brown nosing is not good for the soul.  By my late 20's brown nosing felt like a vortex I was disappearing into.  This vortex very much wanted me to kill myself.  I resisted, deciding not to put distance between me and me, but between my family and me.  I reached out for help. 

Enough about me.  Let's see...  What can I share about today's lesson.  "A strong, spiritually connected adult is  capable of....". Let me stop here.  Spiritually connected means not with organized religion, but with a power wiser than you, who (or which) has no agenda other than supporting your wellbeing.
 
... is capable of
  • Defining your own sense of worth rather than needing others' approval to feel worthy.
  • Not taking rejection, resistance and emotional distance personally.
  • Filling the inner child with love so that the child is not needy for another's time and attention.
  • Speaking the truth about not wanting responsibility for another's feelings, without resisting, attacking or distancing.
  • Taking loving care of yourself without anger or distance.
  • Taking loving action in your own behalf to ensure against engulfment.
  • Sharing love instead of trying to get love or avoid pain.
Here's an example the teacher provided of someone who is not acting from love, but from defensiveness, trying to avoid rejection.

"Jim is a very kind-hearted man and enjoys giving, but invariably he finds himself giving too much - giving himself up. In time he feels controlled, engulfed and smothered in the relationship. He starts to feel resentful about giving more than he receives and then ends the relationship. This same pattern happens over and over."

This is what happens for me with women.  I aim to not offend and end up brown nosing.  Well, no more.  This kid is speaking her truth.
    Good evening   
       Many happy      
   Dreams. Tonight   
    and every night   
 
P.S.  Judy's Kraut Brot was delicious. The portion I added sauerkraut to was delicious, as well.  Thank you Judy!



5 comments:

  1. That's an interesting example at the end. I never would have thought of Jim's actions as defensive or trying to avoid rejection. I would have labeled it not living his authentic self (being two-faced) which still can be true but I wouldn't have dug deep enough to find the cause for him doing that, I guess. LOL I don't see myself in this topic.

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    1. I can so relate to Jim. The kill 'em with kindness approach. Being Jim here, or having been Jim, it makes perfect sense to overcompensate in order to convince someone to behave kindly toward you when they're being an ***. It's a hard habit to recognize, let alone break. First you have to admit that the person you're asking kindness of isn't capable of it at that moment. If you're a kid, can any child let themselves realize this? - it's too terrifying. Perhaps a well-meaning child tries to behave kindly enough for two people.

      I'm glad you don't see yourself in this topic. Maybe tomorrow's. Course, now that I know 'tomorrow's topic, you may not relate. LOL I do appreciate your comments :-)

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  2. Thank goodness I had no nibbling female rabbits in my life. I did have a few Big Bad Wolves--so I can't wait until we get to the part where we become trusting of men. My friend Ernie was like Jim. Only it wasn't defensive, he overgave to try and prove to his Mother that he was a good guy and people LIKED him for being a giver--as not matter what--he NEVER could please here. All our problems stem from our parents don't they? Glad you liked the Kraut Brot, but you didn't do the Brot part?

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    1. Couldn't Dar be a nibbling rabbit?

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    2. I so see my brother in your friend Ernie. He is/was a good guy, and comes from a good place. In my brother's case, the resentment creeps in. He takes that as a clue he's not taking care of himself well enough. It's so hard to set limits - to displease someone. Who wants to invite conflict? There are some instances where sacrificing your own wellbeing IS being kind to yourself in the long run.

      No, I didn't do the Brot part. (so brot means bread in german?)

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