Today was as valuable as yesterday was disappointing, in my 30 day Course on Loving Relationships.
Day 3: Fear of Intimacy
Imagine yourself in a warren with wicked female rabbits nibbling your fingers off. You'd probably tuck your sensitive digits up your sleeve. Now let's assume the wicked rabbits have been sewn into scarves overseas. You're still tucking your sensitive fingers up your sleeves. hmmm
That's what fear of intimacy is. I admit. The teacher didn't word it quite this way. This course is basically psychotherapy online, so it uses phrases like Fear of Abandonment and Fear of Engulfment. Today we got to look at our fears of intimacy. We were asked to peel back the layers of our built-in assumptions about how the world works. Assumptions we swallowed wholesale before we even toddled our way across the warren.
If you grew up with those finger nibbling female rabbits, you lived in terror. Today, our teacher essentially said "Hey, baby - What are you doing in that warren? Pick up your hammer and smash our way out of it!"
So, earlier today, I spent a couple hours shattering those assumptions. One such assumption - brown nosing. Once absolutely necessary, to placate those females in my warren. Now, brown nosing is not good for the soul. By my late 20's brown nosing felt like a vortex I was disappearing into. This vortex very much wanted me to kill myself. I resisted, deciding not to put distance between me and me, but between my family and me. I reached out for help.
Enough about me. Let's see... What can I share about today's lesson. "A strong, spiritually connected adult is capable of....". Let me stop here. Spiritually connected means not with organized religion, but with a power wiser than you, who (or which) has no agenda other than supporting your wellbeing.
... is capable of
- Defining your own sense of worth rather than needing others' approval to feel worthy.
- Not taking rejection, resistance and emotional distance personally.
- Filling the inner child with love so that the child is not needy for another's time and attention.
- Speaking the truth about not wanting responsibility for another's feelings, without resisting, attacking or distancing.
- Taking loving care of yourself without anger or distance.
- Taking loving action in your own behalf to ensure against engulfment.
- Sharing love instead of trying to get love or avoid pain.
"Jim is a very kind-hearted man and enjoys giving, but invariably he finds himself giving too much - giving himself up. In time he feels controlled, engulfed and smothered in the relationship. He starts to feel resentful about giving more than he receives and then ends the relationship. This same pattern happens over and over."
This is what happens for me with women. I aim to not offend and end up brown nosing. Well, no more. This kid is speaking her truth.
and every night