Today, moving vans lined up in front of my neighbor's house. The smaller one behind this got filled, but only a sliver of this monster was full when it pulled away. She's off to California. New widow, about 75. She'll be near her grown children. I was envious. Not of moving to be near one's relatives; that I don't want to do. But to be off to new locales! Got me thinking. I had watched her trim the fat out of 28 years of accumulation. That's what I envy - the less is more. What would I keep with me were I to move? Inspired, I pulled out five garments. Then I got this urge to write. So many difficult decisions... what to purge, what to keep...
There is a Romantic and a Pragmatist living inside me. And now, the Romantic is winning! In a way, I've only just discovered her. To think, until three and a half weeks ago, I'd been ashamed of her. Certainly dared not encourage her! Now, tables are turned. Ha! Let the Pragmatist serve the Romantic in me. The last three and a half weeks, there is a joy in my heart that cannot be extinguished.
It is fascinating to me, as the larger narrative of my life has unfolded, that slipshod life foundations, or solid life foundations shaken by inevitable 'earthquakes', are actually gateways. I mean, we get more mature and well-rounded, as long as we pass through these gateways. Incomplete parenting, interrupted lives - quirks of fate and history. Incomplete growing up - remaining emotionally immature and stunted by it all - that is on us.
So now, after the mindful bomb blast I recorded in my last post here, the dust is settling. The sky, clear. Colors, bright. Contours! It is no coincidence that shortly after my awakening three weeks ago, an opportunity to investigate my family's entire history appeared. Super sleuth Judy, fellow blogger, is creating a genealogy book. First part, my father's ancestry, for his 103rd Birthday. Afterwards, the book will include my Mother's ancestry. It's a shame a Genealogy Book can only include facts, not stories. Stories, I will have to tell elsewhere.
But, getting back to my story...Much of what's been going on the last three weeks has been turning my socks right side out. For I was born socks inside out (my way of explaining the impossible task of opening mother's closed heart). Personalities come to life in the arms of moms, don't they? Every day I prayed someone would love me. No answer. Then, in my late twenties, my prayer changed - I prayed to learn how to love. My dear romantic husband came along and saw a romantic hidden inside. God bless him, he was my gateway to turning my socks right side out. But after he died? Ha! Hey, widow me! Life is tough! Get tough! I turned my socks inside out again. Nuts I am! Pragmatic me had just about bombed the Romantic right out of me, when my little romantic spoke up... please hear me.
So here's the lowdown of a personality turning right side out at last. One month ago (Pre-breakthrough): I go to a bicycle clinic. I freeze socially (as always) and hightail it out of there. Now: Not only have I hung out socializing at another bike clinic, I have also gone on three group bike rides, and as of yesterday, joined a new cycling pal for a ride on our own.
The more I let the romantic in me out, the more the pragmatist is falling into line to support her. Now is that socks right side out or what?
Which are you by nature? Romantic? Pragmatist? Some combination? Or something else that's just as wonderful? I'd love to know.
Congratulations on finding your way into the cycling group and more important relaxing enough to actually enjoy it. Maybe that will be a building block to something more.
ReplyDeleteI'm a healthy combination of a Romantic and a Pragmatist, assuming I actually understand who each is defined.
That's how I would describe you, as well, given what you reveal in your blog.
ReplyDeleteRomantic: One who is characterized by the expression of love.
Pragmatist: One who usually has a straightforward, matter-of-fact approach and doesn't let emotion distract her.
:-) for your congratulations.
NOW--I want to know if this new cycling pal is male or female??
ReplyDeleteI hope male because, I think you need another Ev in your life!
Your Mother treated you, I think, much as she was treated as a child.
What can you do about that? Nuttin' Honey. So, you are finally finding your own way and loving that Little Scared Girl to pieces!!!
I try and "appear" to be a pragmatist, but underneath--hidden quite well from most, at this time of life, I am a true romantic!!
What I meant by that last sentence, I have always been a romantic and actually, it has gotten me into a lot of trouble and bad decisions. That part of me is still there, but I try to keep it trommped down! LOL
DeleteNew cycling pal is male. But before you go 'there', he is happily married. And also retired, so he has time to bike. I hope to find women pals :-)
DeleteJudy, your romantic side does more than shyly peek through your pragmatism. It's plain as day toward your grandchildren!!!
Pragmatism sure does help... it does what needs to be done. It got you out of trouble and bad decisions. But if it tromps down the romantic, it's not serving - it's bullying!