Underneath What People See...Or Want To See

Recovery work is not all I do, so these photos show my progress reorganizing my basement. This will be my woman cave! Not all is yet finished, as you can see.


This morning began Week Three of my trauma Counseling.

I went in agitated.

> I'm discombobulated!  Yesterday my sister wrote me a letter that was really out of character.  Except that it's truly IN character - her deepest, truest character.  I'm so confused.  It's like she's not acting like herself!  Remember how I reported she left me high and dry in some guy's room, to sleep with him, when I was 16?  .

"Z" Ah, yes.  She's the professor.

> My sister read my recent posts here, and wrote me. 

"Z"  How did you feel when you saw she had written?

> Well, when I saw it's subject line "Wonderful Work to healing"  I was relieved that it wasn't about her.  Then I read the letter.  I am so discombobulated! Can I read it to you?

"Z"  Please.

"Dear [Gowitheflo]

I have just opened your blog. Wow!!

...

Dear sister, you are a very courageous woman.

It is a brave thing to let your heart and soul be so exposed

and we can see the results of your healing with each entry.

You are allowing us to be witness to the grandeur of your soul

and the opening of your heart. It is a privilege.

It cut me to the core to read about my heartlessness

and caused me to own it in a way I had not completely.

To hear it through your eyes was powerful.

I know I have apologized before but that seems so lame.

What a disconnected, wounded and bleeding person I was.

I am truly sorry I was who I was,

and was not who you needed, putting you in such danger.

I was not there for myself, nor you, nor anyone else.

....

I am very proud and happy for you Flo,

knowing how difficult and painful this healing path can be.

Know that my prayers are with you each step you take.

My heart is open for you and I know mine can open wider and wider.

I am so grateful to you,...as I too continue to grow and open."

"Z"  This is a very compassionate letter.  I was expecting something else...

> This does not compute! She wasn't this respectful to me - ever!.....

"Z" So you are on guard.

>"I'm always on guard.  Loving actions like this really throw me off. 

> When I woke this morning, I told myself I don't need her approval.  Except I realized clearly that the exact opposite is true - seeking approval from others is my entire orientation!  When I get love, like in Hawaii, and this, with my sister, I feel disoriented.  I only feel grounded, and feel my legs under me when I'm getting approval. And getting approval is so rare!

"Z"  Hmmm, I've heard "People Pleasing" described a number of ways, and this is a good description.   So, it's like someone unexpectedly comes up behind you and kicks your knees, collapsing you?  You're re-enacting the mother trauma with your sister.  Let's do some  work. O.K.?   Close your eyes. Would you invite all your inner children in? All ages of them?

> Yes.  Ages baby through 17 are here, plus me.  We're in a circle.  Our hands are at our sides.  Now our hands reach out and clasp.  I start to cry - then feel blank [I've entered that collapsed state].

"Z"  [She brings me back to my feelings]  How do you feel in your body?  What is adult Flo doing?

>  My body feels stiff.   My lower back hurts. That's unusual... I'm looking at my circle of my child selves and I don't know what to do with them.

"Z"  Just 'be' with them.  I know you feel compassion toward others.  Can you feel compassion toward your inner children?

> I feel stiff.  Unfeeling....  >>sigh<<  Well...In the absence of feeling I can at least be a role model to them.   Teach them.  Provide structure for them.

"Z" Who does this remind you off?

> My mother....I am being like my mother. (EGad.  All these years I thought I was nothing like my mother. )

"Z"  ....You need someone outside yourself to [re]mother you...  Would it be O.K. if I was that person?

> Yes. (O.K....This ought to be interesting.)

Are you like your mother?
and is this a good thing?