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I've been unhappy these last few days. You know I'm taking a Relationships Course online. To discover how I am contributing to my loneliness. I'm embarrassed about how little I understand about this 'girl friendship' thing. Did you know, it's been proven that most women respond to stress with a 'tend and befriend' impulse? Connecting with other women releases a soothing hormone, oxytocin. I guess women call it hashing out their feelings and stories. One such night happened just before Christmas at my sister's house, and I headed for bed instead. The male gender typically doesn't head out with a gaggle of men to talk out their feelings. No wonder I prefer men!
The Loving Relationships Course is wonderful. I'm the only single person taking it and odd, I suppose, but it's invaluable. This is what I'm learning (besides that fact that loneliness is a human condition we all try to address):
If we try to feel good about ourselves THROUGH others, we're setting ourselves up to be lonely. Meaning, DO NOT assign others the task of taking care of our feelings or our loneliness. They didn't cause either. We can believe that they do. Who doesn't know someone who dumps her feelings on us so we will take care of them? It's like someone is thrusting themselves into our arms, asking us to be their mommy. We can feel the pull and our energy drain from her (or him). It's yucky. Well, in some ways, I'm a puller. I want to thrust myself into someone's arms, asking them to be take care of my feelings and make it better. And sometimes I'm the person who wants to feel powerful, like I can take care of someone else's feelings. Dumb...
The key to happy, healthy relationships is to adore ourselves, to have an inner loop of love within ourselves, and not pull it out of others. Emotional support pulled out of someone isn't love, it's compliance. Emotional support freely offered is love. Love is a gift we can only invite.
good day
Learning how to deal with
Loneliness
is
CHALLENGING.
I'm glad you're getting your money's worth out of the course. I've always known you can't expect others to make you happy or whole; you have to do that for yourself before you can be in a healthy relationship with someone else, male or female.
ReplyDeleteYou had great teachers : -). I learned Luke 6:38 "Give, and it shall be given unto you". The virtuous person asks to be given nothing, only wants to give. Her giving starts the flow of love, and it flows back to her. I learned only a selfish person would ask to be given to first. And the person who gives to herself first, then to others? A ticket to damnation.
DeleteI can see why a______ Mother would brainwash her kids not to ask for anything of her - to cover up the fact that she had nothing to give them.
It's taken my a myriad of years to finally realize what you are now learning. Now I can say, I am very happy with myself and my world. An amazing accomplish because I ALWAYS thought I needed a man in my life to feel taken care of and secure.
ReplyDeleteMe, too! It's like I felt one legged, the man being my other leg. Ha! I have two good legs, and two good hands, a pretty good brain and a decent heart. It's such fun to use these toward my own best interests!
DeleteI'm wondering, Judy, did you realize you had all you needed all along before you met Fred, or during Fred, or after Fred died?
Six months before I met Fred--after the end of a 2 year relationship that I stayed in because I was afraid not too--I realized I had ALL I needed and could take quite good care of myself and didn't want "no damn man in my life". Two weeks later, I quite accidentally met Fred and he showed me that there are quite nice and lovely men out there. BUT NOW--I don't even want to look and see. I am happier than I have ever been in my adult life and I don't want to take a chance and screw it up, LOL
DeleteWHERE THE HELL ARE YOU? WE ARE WORRIED!!!
ReplyDeleteDearest Judy, I am resurfacing now. I am in Hawaii, much blessed by Kauai's spirit. In mid March, preparations, and then my visit to California and the Island of Kauai have had me in flux. I am well. I am writing TODAY, dear friend!
DeleteHi Flo, I have a question: do I have another connection with you besides blogging? Did the two of us attend the Vermont Women's Quest week several years ago? I'm trying to put you in a better spot in my head. Flo, who went to Women's Quest, is also a widow. Coincidence or you one and the same?
ReplyDeleteOne and the same LOL. Such a journey Women's Quest launched in me!
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