Oh, God. Is she ?!? Is She?!? ME? The lovelorn widow pining for yesteryear? Or that spiked heel cougar whose clothes looks poured on? Is she that old lady playing solitaire while American Pickers and Extreme Makeover is on the telly? Is she that eye catching woman in Advanced Style? Is she that know it all that doesn't know when to stop butting in? She's not that third one in the line dancing at the senior center, is she? Oh. Is she now head of that corporation? Is she the one with the 'phoenix rising from the ashes' memoir on Amazon? WOW. She makes widowhood look FUN !
Maybe I'm this woman? The one who's singing "It's cloud's illusions I believe" ? Better that than the silver haired church lady handing out dessert after service. Forgive me, God. I love You. I really do.
I've got to think about this. Now that I'm letting Project Rematch disappear over the horizon behind me, I can no longer claim to be the "Woman between husbands". Oh, God. I liked that self image. It gave me so much hope. Maybe it's a good sign I'm facing the future without this prop. "Stiff upper lip sensual artist gardener athlete writer homeowner lady"? Maybe it will do.
Who am I to be without a 'thee'?
Just the fact that I'm asking this question anew means I've climbed up a level or two. Ready to make of life what I can with the ingredients I have. Remember how stunned we were when life fell apart? How can we be prepared for widowhood? Even the best laid plans... Maslow, you help me see how far I've come. So many decisions we face, starting at the bottom. First level - do we keep the house? Yes? Can we afford it? Yes? Can manage it on our own? Yes? Second. Third level - Do we move closer to our family for safekeeping and community? No? Can we make enough new friends? Yes? Fourth level - Without the consistent mirror of one who loves us, who are we now? Not "Woman between husbands" for me any more. But I'm learning self compassion. Fifth level - Is my finest self there on the horizon, or did her finest hour pass?
Look! Yonder woman on the horizon! Yes! That's you! Can you imagine 100 acts of kindness for her?
I hope you figure it all out soon because you've brought up more questions than my head can handle. :)
ReplyDeleteIsn't that what identity crises do? LOL I was reflecting....Being the "Stiff upper lip sensual artist gardener athlete writer homeowner lady" defines me by my work .Being the "Woman between husbands" defines me by love.
ReplyDeleteI know we need both work and love in our lives, but love has been more fulfilling and more consistent than any work accomplishments.
I speculate that some would say "Find a different way to love" OKaaay. Piece of cake!
Hey there GowiththeFlow. I just wanted to pop over for a visit. This is really an impressive and heartfelt project (your blog). There is a lot of richness here. Thank you for share all of this with the world.
ReplyDeleteSasha
ReplyDeleteThank you for stopping by! Sometimes I feel like an odd bird flapping her wings in this vast blogosphere. Your encouragement is very much appreciated.