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I'm not sure which comes first. The circuit switches, the meter, or the blind spot? If there's one thing widowhood has taught me, it's that other widows and other people are incredibly smart, and I'd best listen to them. And this: God is incredibly smart, and I'd best listen to Him or Her. My own risk-reward meter is off. I draw the wrong conclusions. About me, about you, about so much. I need light bulb moments, when a circuit switches on.
I had that "aHa!" moment, followed by this "Well....duh" moment recently. I'm getting older. Heck, I just turned 60. The bod isn't up to some tasks I enthusiastically pitch it into. I feel and look (to myself) like I'm in my thirties, but the bod says "I'm gonna cost ya if you do this". Heck. What's a little pain after you do something? Pain is weakness leaving the body! Unless it's not leaving the body.
Well, after a couple years unsuccessfully rehabbing my shoulders, I finally realize I'm falling apart. "aHa!" After that, I realize that my physical therapists really do have my best interests at heart and aren't here to make my life miserable by giving me an impossible number of stretches and exercises to do every day. "Well....duh"
Don't you just love denial?
What does this have to do with widowhood? Unfortunately, a lot. I've learned more during widowhood after realizing how dumb I am, than I have proving how smart and competent I am. New situations feel scarier than they are. The bully called "death" is gone, and still I'm hyper vigilant. Former caregivers like me have trouble switching 'vigilance' off.
Here goes. I'm giving up, or trying to, my lingering guardedness. Eight years have gone by since I was on call in life and death situations. The landscape has changed. I adore the new man in my life. So...Time to say "Cool it and relax, my love. The sky isn't going to fall in. Besides, I can handle the sky falling in". It's time to let pleasure be in all the moments it can be, not just in the stolen ones, with a glass of wine or restaurant meal. Or in moments off the grid in my garden or on vacation or at a ballgame.
It's time. Others have my best interests at heart. I can relax.
Have you been nudged to see things a different way? How has this been for you?
The only one I really trusted to give me feedback was my husband. People say I should 'get over it', but how do you fill the hole in your heart? I still have conversations with him, and always will.
ReplyDeleteMy late husband always said I put words in his mouth, and I sure did after he died. LOL Now I hear from him only in the occasional dream, where he says a cheery "Hello!" and keeps walking.
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard to get along without our biggest fan. You know best what you need. Trust yourself to know when a nudge will help and when it won't. Always, a helpful nudge will respect where you're coming from.
Love this post! Try to relax without the glass of wine. Enjoy your garden!
ReplyDeleteI am loving my garden!
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