I've edited this page, and added what I failed to tell you my first post:
Widowhood. It's like a scarlet "A", only it's a black "W". Who wants it? Where does it lead?
Our wedding vows said: "Until death do us part". I guess one can quibble that we haven't proof "God" directs that show, but let's assume He (or She) does. Why does God sever a wife's obligation and commitment to her husband when he dies? God's rather intelligent.
The former 'wife' is given permission to move on. She is instructed to move on. Let the past be past, and all that. Widowhood is a passage, not a destination. Why then, is it so darn hard?
For me, the term 'widow' felt like a warm blankie the first two years. I was numb, angry, wretchedly sad, but being a 'widow' would elicit sympathy and that consoled me somewhat. Following that period, in what I'm calling my 'Widowhood Part 2', widowhood felt less consoling. More like a corset stuck in 'autotight' mode, slowly crushing me. Life was just about putting one step in front of the other, never getting a good lungful of air. I had to free myself from that damn corset! Was that corset my lingering connection to the man who loved me so much? I so want to form a genuine new connection with my new circumstances, and want what I have now.
I surprised myself when I wrote in my January 3rd post "I'd finally let him belong to the past." Was I happy? Happier. I guess my job was to put him in the past, to shed that corset, and live free or die inside it.
Now back to my original writing in this, 'Widowhood, Part 2'.
So, God, I've a new set of wants, since I've been released from my old ones. What do You think of these?
- I want to be female.
- I want to be pliant and not compliant
- I want to answer to You
- I want to pursue creativity
- I want to pursue wonder
- I want to be an idiot
- I want to be valued
- I want empowerment
- I want to sink my hands into new soil
- I want to love
- I want to connect with the new 'he'
- I want to see life through other people's eyes
- I want them to see life through mine
- I want to be deliberate and not put off life
- I want to live outside normal parameters
- Outside 'married'
- Outside 'widow'
- Outside 'single'
- But not outside this big, beautiful 'me'
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