Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Rolling Along, on My Terms

Life is good.  Sixty-three years it has taken me, to realize I don't need to be on that log above.  I can be like everybody else. On shore.  Watching.

Let somebody else duke it out on chilly waters.  My time is up.

Life has been busy on lakeview drive.  Me, my kitty, my bike, my RV, my friends online, my friends offline, my counseling, my weeds, my flowers, my meals, my sleep, my housework, sleep.  I switched up the cat's routine.  If I feed my cat right before bed, I can sleep in later. Now it takes him three meals a day to keep my mornings quiet.  So what if he gets fat at his age?  I get more sleep.

RV prep continues. I don't head out for two weeks, but I grab any non-humid day to work on it.  Last week, I was privileged to clean out not only two mice nests in my RV, but one in my basement and one in my car's air filter box (the mechanic did that).   Three new supersonic speakers chirp out their annoying frequencies under the RV, inside the RV, and in the garage.  Supposedly only mice can hear it, and clear out, but I must have really good hearing.  I had a really good day last Thursday.  I unscrewed the A/C cover on top of the RV and cleaned out the nest built for eagles, it was so huge.  I was on a roll, so I recaulked the rooftop fan vent, too.  Only I discovered a little too late that one is supposed to stick a pin down the tube's point to break an inner seal before squeezing the caulk gun.  Someday I'll clean the goo that came out the other end. But life is good.  On Friday I washed and polished it.

I have one more big test - firing up the propane heater, which I haven't used in 15 years because I've gone out at the height of summer.  I'm nervous. Nights can get pretty chilly in Maine in September, so heat would be nice.  Do you think I should take it to my brother to test out?  He knows his way around a propane grill.  I've never been comfortable around propane.

Yep.  Ordinary RV prep.  Boring.  Maybe for you. Not for me.

The least boring stuff going on these past two weeks has been stuff inside my head.  You know the Recovery Marathon I've been writing about?  The PTSD recovery marathon?  It's over, of course and life after PTSD is CALM.  Now that I'm grounded,  I can look back and describe my PTSD as living constantly on a rolling log in a chilly lake, like the picture above.  No sleep for the weary.  BTW.  Did you know the first logrolling contest was September 7, 1898, in Omaha, Nebraska?  Now there are hundreds of logrolling programs at YM and YWCA's.   I can tell you that you're never going to get me on a rolling log. Ever. Again.

Nope. Life without PTSD is like sitting in the Adirondack chair watching the logrolling contest.

One VERY IMPORTANT THING happened in counseling this past Monday.  You guys know what I've been addressing, that lack of a maternal attachment.  This is scary stuff, for a baby to not be able to bond with its mother.  Babies die without being able to bond with someone, or something.  Luckily, there's partial attachment, which is evidently what I did, or I wouldn't be here.  I got the 'trauma' attachment.  I got the rolling log attachment.  Hah!   Last Monday I let myself reach for a new attachment, for a new no-drama momma in my counselor.

OMG.  I felt the 'we' babies must feel with their good momma. It's the nurturing and safe bond!  OMG.  What a gift - kids that get this. More people need to experience this!  It would heal so much distrust in our world. So, everybody, I'm feeling the love.  It's amazing. The trick to learning anew is not mucking up our present experiences with prior interpretations.  I mean, it's like wiping out Windows 8 and upgrading to Windows 10.   A bit of an off-kilter experience, until you get used to it.  But the new operating system is elegant and user friendly.  I'd never go back.  Somatic Experiencing not a quick fix and it's not cheap, but it is worth it.

So now, ordinary I am.  Getting comfortable with my new 'momma'.  If this is too boring, well...  The politicians...they can entertain you as they duke it out on their rolling logs.  Or watch Michael Phelps do his thing again.  Or...

I hope you stay tuned, though :-)


  1. Propane scares me too. Let Bro check it out for you. If I could just get to Vermont, you could drive and I could be your "Momma." LOL

  2. I'm leaning toward driving it to my brother's, 120 miles away. It'd be a shorter test drive, too, before its 2,000 mile journey.

    Yep, that can work. Vermont, Momma!

  3. Is there an RV service place closer by that can check out the propane? A 15 year old system that hasn't been used is not something that you should mess with on your own. But the test drive to your brothers is a good idea, too.

    Does the super sonic chirp thing work for mice? I need to do something different in my basement this fall.

    I'm watching a mamma bird at my feeders feed two of her babies near by on the rail and she's having trouble keeping up. Motherhood is a big responsibility. I wonder if mamma birds are ever tempted to just fly away where their babies can't follow. Mothering is instinctive in all species but once in a while something goes wrong. We had a mother cat that had to be held down to allow her kittens to nurse and our dog was the one who watched over her kittens and carried them around when they strayed too far away. She was very affectionate as if those kittens came from her body. She's even drag the mother cat to the kittens. Finding a surrogate mamma works, even this late in your life.

    1. Your story about the momma cat and 'momma' dog is so touching. I believe I've got me another 'momma'. Life is good...

  4. I'll let you know about the sonic chirp's effectiveness. Without it, I noticed the mice were back inside the RV after I cleaned their mess out >>sigh<<

    I'd feel silly if I brought I to the nearest RV center ( one and a half hours away) and it started up beautifully. Hmmm. Maybe first bring it to my brothers, then if there are problems, bring it in.

    One thing I like about this stage of life is the time to round out our personalities, that circumstances didn't allow. Uncharted territory beckons !

  5. Sounds like a good goal. I wish I had clearer cut goals.

    1. I've made an appointment with a RV Service Center, to have my RV propane heater inspected and tested. I'm glad you pressed me to do so. I'll sleep a lot better without the worry!

    2. Ya, I was worried you'd blow up your brother.

    3. LMAO!! I'm off now, in my RV, to help him out in his booth at a crafts fair. (I ought to post about this...too much I don't tell! )