Monday, June 8, 2015

It's Been So Long Since I Posted...

Yes, it's me.  I've neglected you.  I'm sorry I haven't been in touch recently.  I have felt the urge to 'remove the screen' these past several weeks, so this poor blog has been my casualty.   I've only sat down to write absolutely necessary e-mails - about legal and financial stuff for my Dad.  Doing the best job I can, there.  So, even though it's me here, it's my 'new' me, the 'even more' me.  But how do I describe my new me? 

Two months ago - has it been two months? -  I traveled to Kauai.  As you all know, I was 'celebrating' ten years of my husband's passing.  Yeah, the grief was spent, but my heart was pretty much closed for all but a few people - my family and friends.  So in Kauai, my quest was to open my heart fully, to let go of all my old pain.   I mean, really, really, really old pain -  trust me, my husband's death was the mere cherry on top of that.

So.. it happened.  My heart opened.  Now I'm practicing keeping it open.  I made this journey, the 16" journey from my head to my heart.  If I'm on autopilot, my outlook might boomerang back to my head, full of why's and why not's.  Hey.  Memo to head: My heart's already won.  Nice try.

In the absence of descriptive words, I'd like to quote Jill Taylor, PhD. The author of My Stroke of Insight.  This brain scientist had a stroke that took out her left hemisphere's reasoning function, leaving only her right hemisphere intact.  Guess what's in our right hemisphere?  Abiding love, joy and peace.  We have a whole half of our brains which knows a different truth, the real truth,  about our life and purpose: To love in our own unique way.   So I am tuning into my right hemisphere as much as I can.  I highly  recommend Jill Taylor's book.  Referring to it helps me understand that love is already here  Inside me.  I am aware of it on some level.  I just have to amplify it. 

Possibly my shift hasn't been 16" from my head to my heart.  Maybe it's been mere millimeters, from my left hemisphere to my right.  My point is, my beliefs of 'Better than', 'Less than', "Survival of the fittest' simply don't exist in my right hemisphere, or in my heart.  In my head, my left hemisphere, that is, are the constructed explanations of life, made by a well intentioned young lady. Look! She's comparing herself to others.  That pretty much locks out faith in the power of love.  Ridiculous, isn't it?

My Stroke of Insight
"I view the garden in my mind as a sacred patch of cosmic real estate that the universe has entrusted me to tend over the years of my lifetime.  As an independent agent, I and I alone, in conjunction with the molecular genius of my DNA and the environmental factors I am exposed to, will decorate this space within my cranium.  In the early years, I may have minimal input into what circuits grow inside my brain, because I am the product of the dirt and seeds I have inherited.  But to our good fortune, the genius of our DNA is not a dictator, and thanks to our neurons' plasticity, the power of thought, and the wonders of modern medicine, very few outcomes are absolute.

Regardless of the garden I have inherited, once I consciously take over responsibility of tending my mind, I choose to nurture those circuits that I want to grow, and consciously prune back those circuits I prefer to live without.  Although it is easier for me to nip a weed when it is just a sprouting bud, with determination and perseverance, even the gnarliest of vines, when deprived of fuel, will eventually lose its strength and fall to the side."

Now I practice this heartful engagement:

Be here now
So I am available
Be in my body
So I am available
Open my heart
So I am available
To love

This is a mother making herself available to her own child.   This is me, providing the space within my own heart, to listen and learn from my soul so as to increase my soul's joy.  I am amazing, awesome, beautiful, no more than you, no less than you.  This is an incredible way to live.

Thanks for popping over to read.   I know your time is valuable, and I am thrilled you are reading this.  Do let me know, so I can return the favor, and pop over to visit you.


  1. I'm glad you updated! I know I'm not the only one who has wondered how things were going with you. I suspected it was a good change that was keeping you away, given the post you made about your Hawaii experiences but it's great to have that thought confirmed. Are you going to close this blog now, start another or just just play your life and blog by ear?

    1. Hi : -). Jean, I will be pleased if I keep showing up HERE. Where better to be amazingly awkward!?! Now... on to visit your blog, content rich and so very descriptive!

  2. Glad you are finally there!! At the good part of your life and open to whatever comes. More than open--going onward and upward to find it!! I am curious about your Dad. Did he like the place he stayed while you all were at the wedding? Is he still there? I sure have missed your posts and I'll just bet, the one going forward are going to be verrry interesting!

    1. Oh, thank you, Judy, for missing me! My Dad. Oh, my Dad. He LOVES his new home. He himself opted to stay there. Within three weeks, he asked to stay. So my dear brother and his wife returned to my Dad's empty house in western Massachusetts, after the wedding in LA. For a while I half expected the 'other shoe' to drop. Nope. Three months now, and he is still smitten. So, I have kept the money flowing.

      Goodness gracious. Who could have imagined that someone who kicked and screamed so much, would flip so completely?

    2. That is truly a wonderful outcome considering how much trouble and stress your dad caused before going to the place. I'm so happy for your family, especially your brother!

    3. My brother is relieved of so much stress. Our whole family ached to see the toll that caring for my Dad took on him and his wife. That's over. Yay!

      Now we're helping him clear Dad's house out enough to repair it, and make it a special home for themselves. They inherit the house when Dad dies. Could be awhile. He's only 102.

  3. Ever so happy to make your acquaintance! Yes, I was googling widow blogs; the club no one chooses to join. However, you had me at "Given her contrary nature, this is taking a very long time." in your profile!!! My Dad passed six weeks before my husband and I have yet to acknowledge his absence, and my mother six month prior. UGH. I am going to follow your blog, as I am SO trying to be fully alive again, while acknowledging that I am still in deep mourning.

    **blows kisses**

  4. Hello Deborah. Welcome. Oh my, it staggers me to hear of your three losses. I am so so sorry. I'm glad you are coming into the widow blog community. It will validate the deep mourning and effort our situation requires.

    I post less these days;. Happiness - at long last happiness - has made my angst fly off. I peppered these pages with angst when no one else would listen. Now that you will check in on me once in a while, I will pop in more.

    *** Kisses back!**

  5. i can't comprehend the pain of losing a spouse. i hope you can find your way to the right place and i hope your heart stays open.

    good luck in the garden (wink)!!!

  6. Hi, thanks for your comments about my Peaches posting. I also just re-read this posting of yours. I hope you have continued with the mantra you spoke. What a wonderful way of living and of letting go!