|strolling out Hanalei Pier|
I traveled 5,025 miles to Kauai with two healing intentions: to open my heart, and let the circle come round one decade later. Reset. Claim my freedom. The whole experience taught me to wake up, really notice, marvel and love who I am, where I am, here, now. I've wondered sometimes why I'm still here. 'Now' isn't an afterthought, some experience tacked on to a happy former life . It's actually rich with meaning and purpose. Kauai was rich with healing. I want to tell you about one key transformation I had. Just a few days in, my spirit willing, my head spinning with new viewpoints, I confessed my own viewpoint to a healer. She helpfully noted that I wasn't inhabiting my own body. Now how can someone possibly see this? (This is where an open mind comes in handy.) Evidently, we have energy 'auras' in and around our bodies. Each person I worked with on Kauai could sense a person's energy aura. I mean, we all can sense when a person's pleasant to be with, or unpleasant. It's the energy they're putting out. O.K. This woman said that I, my aura, appeared to be floating about a foot above my body.
"I understand. I am!" I exclaimed when she told me. "That's how I feel!" Outside my body, not in it. I describe it as being stuck outside a window, and inside people are tuning in to each other and loving each other. "How do I get inside?". Well, she had me lie on a waterfilled massage table. Opening to 'whatever', I floated gently while she did her thing. I left that session inhabiting my body and, and let me tell you, it felt like psychic surgery had taken place. It took a few days to feel natural staying inside my body.
Now, psychologists have long had another name for this displacement phenomenon: Dissociation. Ha! I've known I dissociate, but how to NOT dissociate? I can clearly remember training myself as a kid to be outside what my body was experiencing. I would clench my fists, choke back my tears, and resolve NOT to feel. I trained myself to wipe out my experience, and sure enough, I recall very little of my childhood. I lived in a home without emotional or physical safety. I finally joined my brother in zoning out on drugs. He took me under his wing. He taught me that sneakiness and cunning were the tools to manage life. I could do that! And what of love? Another tool in the arsenal. At age 29, after a particularly cunning, heartless move on a hapless man, I reached my waterloo. I prayed earnestly to learn how to love, really truly love. Well, God loves the prayer of an earnest seeker. My hubby entered my life within a month. I now realize he's never left. Not really. He is loving me from afar. He had everything to do with what happened next on Kauai.
This particular woman healer on was about halfway through my two week experience. She could sense a loving male presence with me. Now, this woman heals by transmitting love through her touch. Pure, unconditional love. I'd never felt it. I'd never nestled safely in a woman's arms. While I didn't nestle in this woman's arms on the beach in Kauai, I did lay on a beach towel, first on my back, then on my stomach, her kneeling beside me. For three hours this woman said nothing, just laid her hands on me. She gently stroked me, transmitting love. At first, I had trouble receiving. Then, a sob. Then another. At last, after two and a half hours, I heard in the depths of my being "I want the world for you, and all the wonderful things in it. I want you to be happy, joyous and free". I realized this message was for me. As all the love came rushing in, I sobbed freely.
Well, in case this sounds weird, I've included two photos. Cropped, one taken before and one after my session with her. Touch. Loving touch reached me.
Tell me, do you see the difference. I see? I've been very gentle, very careful about my activities since I returned home. Much gardening.