Monday, July 30, 2012
In over my head, again
I know that feeling. Fear. Perplexity. Being leagues beyond my comfort zone. Aware that abyss of abandonment is only too happy to welcome me back.
Soon I head out in my small RV for a trial run of a couple hundred miles. I'm starting to load it and test its systems. Once upon a time my late husband and I headed out in it, to cherished places only campers go. This year marks the eighth annual trip I've made on my own since he died. However, before I head out, a few things need fixing. Easy fixes. Yeah, for a welder or a plumber.
Uh, oh. I see my little pity party coming. Get out of here! OVER MY DEAD BODY will I give up RV'ing to avoid a difficulty or three.
Fear. Perplexity. I know you well. Sometimes I try shake you off, with liquor, or shopping or procrastination. Pretty stupid. Prayer can work OK on fear, but I've yet to master miracles that fix problems. Better to try to master the task. And lighten up!
Last year, hopeful that learning to swim would help me with fears beyond the water's edge, I began a DVD course called "Total Immersion". I'm up to lesson 7 out of 10, and yes, learning to swim is actually teaching me life lessons. For instance, a body will float if it just relaxes. Water is friendly. Keep any muscle not needed for forward propulsion relaxed. (Actually very few muscles are needed for forward propulsion.) Conserve energy, breath efficiently, and maintain focus for the long haul. Trust the process of learning one drill at a time. The joy of swimming will result.
So I'm trying to hang in there, learning what I need to live a joyous life. Yes, I'm in over my head. But, every once in a while, when I 'get' how to do something and actually get it done, my head breaks free above the surface and my heart breaks free with a joy I can't contain. Initiating that flip from fear to 'I get it!' takes a surprisingly small amount of energy. Now the flip itself takes a bit of time...
"It's OK. Just start where you are. Just try...., OK, try again.... OK....try AGAIN... You go, girl!!!"
How do you deal with being in over your head?