Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Hope springs eternal? If it did, there would be no suicides. Hope is rare, and precious, and pops up when we least expect it.
Like this morning. Out of nowhere, my thought: I would be happy if I had a vibrant online presence. Probably came from writing my hundredth online dating profile. Well, maybe my thirtieth. I absolutely love writing them, fashioning a presence out of thin air. They are all 'me' but 'me' is a moving target as I grow. I am having fun popping up on screens and getting feedback. Some of it is weird, but when it is, it ends up in the trash bin.
After playing such a consequential role aiding my late husband, I like being loved, or appreciated, for simply who I am, not what I will do for someone. I know each one of us has something unique to contribute, and I think mine may be the 'get away from it all' variety, though I'm still trying to figure that out. I've always wanted to provide a sanctuary for people, where they can return to themselves refreshed and re energized. I do it with little interference, much color, and hopefully grace. HOPEfully, I will invite more people into my life.
I'm a single person now, reinventing my life. It's tiring, it feels terrifyingly hopeless, it's draining. But it isn't impossible. And if it isn't impossible, it's worth doing. Even if this is the last chapter of our lives, it can be our finest.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Sometimes all that effort pays off. My leaking roof has been replaced and my Insurance Company is paying for it. Which they SHOULD, since its degradation was weather related. Well, this 'should' turned into 'could' turned into 'would' from the Insurance Co., after a lot of effort. To celebrate my handsome new roof, I just climbed up and drank a beer up there in its honor. Lovely view.
I sometimes get tired maintaining my own home, until I realize how many people would give their eye teeth for my situation. So no complaints here. Even the memory of having a man pitch in, doing the 'guy stuff', has faded. This woman does the 'guy stuff' pretty well. However, you can be sure that the man who offers to pitch in will win my heart.
Finally, after nearly seven years of widowhood, I'm beginning to sort twentyfive years of flotsam in my garage. I'm figuring out the destination of a few parts. The garden cart waiting for new wheels has them now. Just took a few hours. This garage may even be useful soon, instead of something I bolt through on my way into the house. If I'm really ambitious I'll put hooks in to hang shovels and rakes and pruning tools. No promises.
The anniversary of his death is next month. Maybe it's spring fever, or maybe it's the new roof, but I feel the tidal pull of regeneration. I'm very happy.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
You know we don't stop being lovable as women, when we stop being loved by our man.
He died. We didn't. New love isn't here for me at the moment. I hope it is for you. In the meantime, I want to feel my feelings, and I mean ALL my feelings. Especially my longing for comfort, for touch, for being the most important person to a 'him'. Why wait and pine? I play certain music when I want to feel my sensuality. I sometimes force myself to play it, because before feeling all the wonder of my womanhood, I first feel the pain of my loss. Yet for me, this pain is fleeting. What follows is the most tender embrace!
Never, ever forget how are precious you are. Even if 'he' isn't around to remind you.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Everybody receives the 'givens' of life, the air, sunlight, gravity, hunger, sleepiness, wakefulness to name a few. I believe we also receive a blueprint from God that is uniquely ours. Circumstances hopefully draw its purpose and beauty into existence.
Well, I haven't had the best circumstances. Much of my life I've said to my Designer "I'd rather have somebody else's blueprint". It seems God forgot to include a porch and front door on my blueprint, and I see great porches and front doors on other peoples'. I do know He included a few sub cellars and a widow's walk in my blueprint.
But where's the porch? And the front door? I've discovered a back door. That's how people gain access to me, kind of hanging around long enough that I grow comfortable and invite them into my 'work in progress' home. I rarely invite an interesting new person in directly. I see others do it. Could be I have boarded up my front door and forgotten how to use it?
I'm reminded of the results of a personality test I first took twenty four years ago, the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. This test reveals four dimensions of one's personality, the first dimension being how we interact with the world and where we direct our energy. We either have a natural preference for the outer world as extroverts, or for the inner world as introverts. Extroverts are approachable and meet new people with ease. Extroverts have wonderful front doors. Introverts avoid being the center of attention and find chit chat draining, if not pointless. Not surprising that we can't locate our front door.
When I first took the test at age 34, I assumed my extreme introversion was a result of a difficult childhood. I've since learned that only my insecurity and shyness were. 92% introversion remains. Must be in the blueprint for me. Time I started examining it.