Friday, January 6, 2012

If it's only me now, am I OK?

I don't know. It's not me and him anymore.  I feel OK most of the time about his absence.

He was the yang to my yin, and the yin to my yang.  I was the spark plug.  He was more social.  Being a spark plug is really handy post widowhood.  Being an introvert who is happy with her own company is much less handy, and a downright handicap when taken to extremes.  Which I tend to do.  I'm a spark plug with solitary projects.  Yes, I have family and some friends I love.  But I occupy my house by myself.  Only occasionally do I invite people in. 

I don't want to live a solitary life in my home.  I end up feeling irrelevant and unknown to others.  Hostess is a new identity I want to grow into.  It's time to insert myself into people's lives by inviting them over.  Just take a deep breath.  I guess it's like starting an exercise program.   It needs reinforcement to become habit. In time it becomes absolutely necessary to one's well being.  Do I use the carrot or the stick to become more social?  Both, I expect.

I have to do this in my own way on my own terms or it's not going to work.  I've acquired other new identities and interests since my husband died.  Widow. Athlete. Handywoman.  They felt ill fitting at first. When I saw these new identities mirrored in other people's eyes I'd wonder 'can I really be this person they see?'.  Eventually I grew into them.  I'm still tweaking them.  More athlete. More handywoman.  No more Widow.  I'm single and I'm OK.




  1. Very teary. You are still very alone and I did not realize how much. I too spend much time alone but have a small network of friends (having given up quite a few) and have colleagues at work, and students to teach and paintings to paint and places to go and people to meet. It is these connections which give meaning to my life. You shall find your connections, and I think you are right not to expect it in a "future another" first. You are setting out to include others in your beautifully built world. Bravo!

  2. Thanks, Sara. I hope to have a meaningful purpose that reflects the woman I've come to be.