Yes, it's me. I've neglected you. I'm sorry I haven't been in touch recently. I have felt the urge to 'remove the screen' these past several weeks, so this poor blog has been my casualty. I've only sat down to write absolutely necessary e-mails - about legal and financial stuff for my Dad. Doing the best job I can, there. So, even though it's me here, it's my 'new' me, the 'even more' me. But how do I describe my new me?
Two months ago - has it been two months? - I traveled to Kauai. As you all know, I was 'celebrating' ten years of my husband's passing. Yeah, the grief was spent, but my heart was pretty much closed for all but a few people - my family and friends. So in Kauai, my quest was to open my heart fully, to let go of all my old pain. I mean, really, really, really old pain - trust me, my husband's death was the mere cherry on top of that.
So.. it happened. My heart opened. Now I'm practicing keeping it open. I made this journey, the 16" journey from my head to my heart. If I'm on autopilot, my outlook might boomerang back to my head, full of why's and why not's. Hey. Memo to head: My heart's already won. Nice try.
In the absence of descriptive words, I'd like to quote Jill Taylor, PhD. The author of My Stroke of Insight. This brain scientist had a stroke that took out her left hemisphere's reasoning function, leaving only her right hemisphere intact. Guess what's in our right hemisphere? Abiding love, joy and peace. We have a whole half of our brains which knows a different truth, the real truth, about our life and purpose: To love in our own unique way. So I am tuning into my right hemisphere as much as I can. I highly recommend Jill Taylor's book. Referring to it helps me understand that love is already here. Inside me. I am aware of it on some level. I just have to amplify it.
Possibly my shift hasn't been 16" from my head to my heart. Maybe it's been mere millimeters, from my left hemisphere to my right. My point is, my beliefs of 'Better than', 'Less than', "Survival of the fittest' simply don't exist in my right hemisphere, or in my heart. In my head, my left hemisphere, that is, are the constructed explanations of life, made by a well intentioned young lady. Look! She's comparing herself to others. That pretty much locks out faith in the power of love. Ridiculous, isn't it?
My Stroke of Insight
"I view the garden in my mind as a sacred patch of cosmic real estate that the universe has entrusted me to tend over the years of my lifetime. As an independent agent, I and I alone, in conjunction with the molecular genius of my DNA and the environmental factors I am exposed to, will decorate this space within my cranium. In the early years, I may have minimal input into what circuits grow inside my brain, because I am the product of the dirt and seeds I have inherited. But to our good fortune, the genius of our DNA is not a dictator, and thanks to our neurons' plasticity, the power of thought, and the wonders of modern medicine, very few outcomes are absolute.
Regardless of the garden I have inherited, once I consciously take over responsibility of tending my mind, I choose to nurture those circuits that I want to grow, and consciously prune back those circuits I prefer to live without. Although it is easier for me to nip a weed when it is just a sprouting bud, with determination and perseverance, even the gnarliest of vines, when deprived of fuel, will eventually lose its strength and fall to the side."
Now I practice this heartful engagement:
Be here now
So I am available
Be in my body
So I am available
Open my heart
So I am available
This is a mother making herself available to her own child. This is me, providing the space within my own heart, to listen and learn from my soul so as to increase my soul's joy. I am amazing, awesome, beautiful, no more than you, no less than you. This is an incredible way to live.
Thanks for popping over to read. I know your time is valuable, and I am thrilled you are reading this. Do let me know, so I can return the favor, and pop over to visit you.