Monday, April 20, 2015

I Want to Live As If The World Already Loves Me

strolling out Hanalei Pier
I'm almost there.  I certainly feel loved and cherished inside.

I traveled 5,025 miles to Kauai with two healing intentions: to open my heart, and let the circle come round one decade later.  Reset.  Claim my freedom.  The whole experience taught me to wake up, really notice, marvel and love who I am, where I am, here, now.  I've wondered sometimes why I'm still here.  'Now' isn't an afterthought, some experience tacked on to a happy former life .  It's actually rich with meaning and purpose.  Kauai was rich with healing.   I want to tell you about one key transformation I had.  Just a few days in, my spirit willing, my head spinning with new viewpoints, I confessed my own viewpoint to a healer.  She helpfully noted that I wasn't inhabiting my own body.  Now how can someone possibly see this?  (This is where an open mind comes in handy.)  Evidently, we have energy 'auras' in and around our bodies.  Each person I worked with on Kauai could sense a person's energy aura.  I mean, we all can sense when a person's pleasant to be with, or unpleasant.  It's the energy they're putting out.  O.K. This woman said that I, my aura, appeared to be floating about a foot above my body. 

"I understand. I am!" I exclaimed when she told me.  "That's how I feel!"  Outside my body, not in it.  I describe it as being stuck outside a window, and inside people are tuning in to each other and loving each other.  "How do I get inside?".  Well, she had me lie on a waterfilled massage table.  Opening to 'whatever',  I floated gently while she did her thing.  I left that session inhabiting my body and, and let me tell you, it felt like psychic surgery had taken place.  It took a few days to feel natural staying inside my body.

Now, psychologists have long had another name for this displacement phenomenon: Dissociation.  Ha!  I've known I dissociate, but how to NOT dissociate?  I can clearly remember training myself as a kid to be outside what my body was experiencing.  I would clench my fists, choke back my tears, and resolve NOT to feel.  I trained myself to wipe out my experience, and sure enough, I recall very little of my childhood.  I lived in a home without emotional or physical safety.  I finally joined my brother in zoning out on drugs.  He took me under his wing.  He taught me that sneakiness and cunning were the tools to manage life.  I could do that!  And what of love?  Another tool in the arsenal.  At age 29, after a particularly cunning, heartless move on a hapless man, I reached my waterloo.  I prayed earnestly to learn how to love, really truly love.    Well, God loves the prayer of an earnest seeker.  My hubby entered my life within a month.   I now realize he's never left.  Not really.  He is loving me from afar.  He had everything to do with what happened next on Kauai.

This particular woman healer on was about halfway through my two week experience.  She could sense a loving male presence with me.  Now, this woman heals by transmitting love through her touch.  Pure, unconditional love.  I'd never felt it.  I'd never nestled safely in a woman's arms.  While I didn't nestle in this woman's arms on the beach in Kauai, I did lay on a beach towel, first on my back, then on my stomach, her kneeling beside me. For three hours this woman said nothing, just laid her hands on me.  She gently stroked me, transmitting love.  At first, I had trouble receiving.  Then, a sob.  Then another.  At last, after two and a half hours, I heard in the depths of my being "I want the world for you, and all the wonderful things in it.  I want you to be happy, joyous and free".  I realized this message was for me.  As all the love came rushing in, I sobbed freely.

Well, in case this sounds weird, I've included two photos.  Cropped, one taken before and one after my session with her.  Touch.  Loving touch reached me.




 
 
Tell me, do you see the difference. I see?  I've been very gentle, very careful about my activities since I returned home.  Much gardening. 

14 comments:

  1. Wow, what a life changing experience you had! Was this at a healing retreat of some kind? Details, lady, details. Where ever you were at I'm glad you got out of it what you needed to move forward. Now hold on to it! Whatever "it" is to you.

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  2. I rewrote the post above with a few more details. I am leaving out a lot - Hawaiian spirituality and its ALOHA aspect, because I hardly understand it. The woman who worked with me on the massage table is Jeanne at www.DolphinTouch.org . Amazing woman!

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    1. Isn't it? Jeanne was just one of six special people I met and worked with. For most of my time on Kauai, I stayed upstairs at her Wellness Center, the house pictured on her site. It was in the middle of Kapa'a, a small town with a bohemian flavor. There were several neat restaurants within walking distance. And the Pacific Ocean was only two blocks away.

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  4. I see more open eyes, a softer look, a more welcoming look to your face--especially around the eyes. This must have been an extraordinary experience! Very spiritual. Hold onto it!!!

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    1. Spiritual is exactly what I'd call this experience. God, spirit, love meets me through touch, through this physical realm. It's so neat. It's like heaven on earth. It's mamma love !

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  5. Your eyes are open and the guardiness that appears in the first photo has disappeared. Bravo for making the choices you've made for yourself.

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  6. Hey--what is that drink you use to put more oxygen in your blood?
    jjmiller6213@comcast.net

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    1. Hi Judy, I just sent you a link : -)

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    2. Where the heck are you?

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    3. Off in my own world... so glad you nudged me. Will be here on your page and mine within a day.

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    4. Okay, Just glad you are all right!

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    5. Hello! Yes, I am alright. Trying to put my heart felt experiences into words, much less a post, is stumping me.

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