Sunday, March 1, 2015

Magnets, One End or the Other

Nothing terribly earth shattering in this weekend's topic in my Loving Relationships course.  We've probably read this stuff in some magazine or other.  However, as I'm the one who needs a checklist, I'm the one who has trouble making new friends, I'm the one who may not even want to make new friends, it is timely.

Day Four: Controlling behavior - How do You try to Control?

Do you try to control by 
  • Criticizing, judging
  • Hitting
  • Blaming
  • Being sneaky and deceptive
  • Analyzing
  • Denying
  • Debating
  • Explaining
  • Making jokes all the time
  • Giving advice
  • tsk-tsking others
  • Deflecting
  • Keeping it light and agreeable
  • Using sarcasm
  • Interrupting
  • Whining
  • Withdrawing
  • Being enlightened, a know-it-all
  • Being 'overly nice'
  • Being indispensable
  • Being invisible, blending in
  • Teaching, pointing things out without being asked
  • Hogging the conversation
  • Putting yourself, or others, down
  • Using threats
  • Sexually assaulting
  • Sexually seducing
  • Making yourself helpless
  • Needing rescue
I can't say I do ANY of these (liar, liar, pants on fire!) I mean, really, some of these behaviors can be appropriate ways to share love. It all depends on our intention.  If it's all about me, my wants, my fear, even a baby will pick up on it.  Makes me the wrong end of the magnet.

I love the way the teacher writes 'TRY to control'.   Sure, you can influence how someone behaves, but ever had any luck trying to control how someone feels about you?

The teacher goes on (I paraphrase):

1.-Some people feel loved and safe when the other person behaves the way we want them to behave.  Love means someone trying to please you.  Love means getting someone to do what you want.  Enter control

2.-Some people feel loved and safe when the other person is warm, accepting, and understanding. Love means getting people to be compassionate toward you, warts and all.  Enter control
  geesh.  I'm exhausted trying to be nice.

   Have a 


  1. I went through the whole i-want-to-make-new-friends things after Don died and discovered I don't think I want them as bad as I originally thought. I really don't think there is anything wrong with me (or you) because making friends in hard to do. I just think it's harder to do as we age than it was when we were younger. People have less time and less reasons to take new people into their friendship circle as we age. Others have family and friends to fulfill their needs so the pool is smaller and not as deep so it's harder to meet people who are at the same place in life that we are and whose personalities click with ours.

  2. Hmmm. The friendship landscape at our age could be similar to the dating landscape. A bit sparse, eh? I know that going through the whole I-want-a new-boyfriend thing taught me I still had my pick of men if I wanted to make enough compromises. Or if they were willing to make enough compromises LOL. Ah well. Confidence grows with each step and I'm having fun here!