I let out a dirty little secret here last month. A shameful secret. I was an Oops - Dammit! baby. (Brother and sister have confirmed it was no secret to them that our mother hated my being born.) During this long blog silence I've been digesting the fact that her rejection said a lot about her and nothing about me. It had everything to do with her capacity to love, her depression, her alcoholism. I mean, this is embarrassing. " Even your own mother couldn't love you!" Yes, yes, yes, my husband assured me the idiot was her, not me. But, without him here... shame crawled right back onto my back. The last straw was being the butt of a family joke for doing the very thing my husband would have been thrilled to do with me - hug the statues on Easter Island.
Obviously I need assertiveness training with the old crowd. Those hulking egos, swaggering about with sharp claws and non-stop chatter when I elbow in, are mere shadows of their former selves. Aren't we all. So. Time for a little target practice. Not on whoever is left of my dear family. Nope. The target's those three idiot monkeys my mother shoved on when I was within spitting distance. The fur is going to fly! One monkey is called the Patronizer, who says, 'You're weird.". One called the Greek Seer, warning "Rejection ahead! " And the third, of course, is Shame "Even your own mother didn't love you. What do you expect?" Together they supply enough apprehension and anxiety to make me pee in my pants.
I have complied a list of options for dealing with such monkeys.
- Do battle with them. This is best done at night; You're awake anyway
- Join the Monkey of the Month Club. If that gets boring, join the Monkey of the Day Club
- Write them off with a tell all memoir
- Recycle them onto someone else's back
- Give them something to knock them out. Xanax, Chocolate, Whiskey, Haagen Dazs
- Starve them. You'll lose weight, too
- Smoke them out. Works for moles, maybe monkeys too
- Make hay of them. Slice, dice, mince, chop. Then leave outside to deodorize
- Make fireworks of them. Tonight!
- Put them in back in the stork's sack. Tie it airtight and watch it fly
- Tie a big helium balloon to their toe. Release
- Add clay and shape into a cross
- Tune out. What monkeys?
- Leave the office door open. SUPERMANAGER inside
- Teach your monkey how to paint or sing. Add tin cup
- Call Monkey Removal. 1-800-shitbegone
- Educate the Monkeys. Monkeys with law degrees live in nice homes
- Read up on Monkeys. Earn your PhMonkeyD
- Tack your monkey to the bullseye. Now load your rifle