Sunday, April 13, 2014

The Friendship Hour



I need to stop saying "Gee.  Wouldn't It Be Nice to ..." and realize this is as good as it gets.  I'm sitting outside on my deck sipping coffee and checking e-mail, a ritual I enjoy when it's warmer than 50 degrees.  On those rare occasions when my brother's here,  we sit outside and let our minds rest, absorbing the water view, the bird calls, the play of light as the sun edges higher.  It's a ritual I love.  It is sweet, made even sweeter with the presence of a gentle soul that appreciates companionable silence.  Yet, of the boyfriends and girlfriends and sisters who have stayed overnight, none sit quietly, letting nature speak.  My late husband and I didn't even do this; he'd be off to a meeting before 7:30 most days.

Clearly I know too few people.  I know that I want to enjoy every moment fully, but shoot, some moments are better for sharing.   Call me a dreamer.  Call me a romantic.  Nothing makes me feel loved quite as much as sharing these quiet moments.  Why are they so dam hard to come by?  Is it just me?

In case it's me, I have hired a Life Coach.  A Friendship Coach.  A Mentor.  Actually, she doesn't call herself any of these.  She calls herself a therapist.  Well, whatever.  She's ahead of me on this road of recovery from loss.  She has qualities I admire.  Authenticity.  Emotional responsiveness.  Playfulness.  Availability in person (O.K., for a price).  I can learn from her.

I'm happy, excited to be bicycling and gardening again, but my social diet is more like a fast.  I'm one female confidante away from being merely the friendly gal seen now and again.  The intimacy I knew with my husband and boyfriends has become a distant memory.  The sibling who 'gets me' lives two and a half hours away.  If I didn't have this blog to bear witness to my deepest thoughts I fear I'd vanish in the sea of 'nice' women around here.  I want an anam cara.   Anam cara is the Celtic expression for the deep bond formed when two people are so open and trusting that their souls begin to flow together. 

Some people say if you want that kind of unconditional love, get a dog.  I say, turn to a real friend, a soul friend.  I can't imagine my life without one.  Yet, here I am.  Somehow I've got to get from here to there.  My journey begins...

14 comments:

  1. I hope the life coach/therapist helps you get what your want in life or at least helps you find contentment with what you can obtain. As for me, I don't know what I want anymore because I think what I really want is unobtainable. I hope you'll blog what you learn from the coach.

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    1. I will. Unlike a typical? therapist, she's an open book. She even has a blog I can relate to. I guess one can say I'm bringing my laundry list of wants to our meetings and we're examining them. Already I've learned my low expectations for heartfelt companionship are limiting me.

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  2. I seem to feel that it takes years to become a soul mate with someone. My best friend and I met the first day of Kindergarten. She's gone. Fred and I were so compatible that we were like one person--even in our thinking. He's gone. I don't have enough years left to find either kind of soul connection--and not enough people in this world who I would even want to try. Now--I am trying to find it all in myself--I never have before and there is a lot of stuff about me that I don't really like. So--I am working on being a better friend to myself--not to do what other people think I should--which I have always done before. It is becoming a very freeing feeling.

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    1. I wonder, was that soul connection with your kindergarten friend and with Fred instant? Somehow you recognized in each other a like minded or like hearted person, and how soon was this after the casual chit chat?

      I love your focus on authenticity and affection for yourself. Amen! What a waste of an encounter if we're not authentic - though I need to untrain myself from making nice, or being compatible with someone at my expense. Being frank right off the bat is something I aspire to.

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    2. Those two soul connections were instantaneous. Of course in Kindergarten, there is very little chit chat and with Fred and I, we had chit chatted on the internet so by the time we met--it was instant--we knew at that moment. I'm not frank right off the bat--I tend to play people pleaser and guess that is why I don't want to mix it up with new people. I get myself into trouble being too nice to people I don't really like. Perhaps it's the fear of that happening again that keeps me to myself? HOWEVER--you are still young and need to get out there!

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    3. Yes, I am STILL young. LOL! I relate to getting into trouble being too nice to people I'm not that crazy about. Sooner or later I rectify that and they're left wondering "Where'd that turnabout come from?"

      Fascinating about knowing right off the bat - what a treat. I assume it was because you were being frank in both cases? Certainly in kindergarten!

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  3. I hear many thoughts as I read your blog this morning but two in particular speak out to me: your yearning for an ‘anam cara’ relationship, with a friend, with a sibling, with a lover, and your yearning to be in silence with another.

    Have you thought about going to a silent retreat? There are wonderful opportunities for silent retreats, some which are religious and others not. You might want to do a google search and see if you find a place where you could experience this silence with others. Many seek what you seek.

    I join into several actual circles and have participated for more than a year now in weekly and monthly virtual circles where people from Australia, Austria, Switzerland, Lebanon, England, Columbia, Brazil, California, Colorado, Maine, etc etc. join via phone (in US) and skype to meet over a question which is posed. We begin our time together by entering into a fifteen minute silence. There is this amazing connection to each other in the silence that you allude to. What people have to share goes deeper because of the shared silence. I have just come back from an ‘Art of Hosting’ training and we would enter into the silence, often to start or end the day, or a silent walk to the beach (we were in Maine). In the afternoon of the last day - yesterday, about half an hour into working with a group of four others on birthing a specific project, we all felt the need to pause in silence. We took about five minutes and returned to our process renewed and refreshed. ‘Silence can be golden’ when we are connected into it.

    I am so happy you share this silence with Howard



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    1. Nice to hear from you! I agree, in silence together we can either be lost in thought, or pause, to be present to the moment with our companions, or ourselves, or something outside ourselves. It's nice to hear many seek this, and I'll speak up more about my own affection for it. (Now isn't that an oxymoron - speaking up in praise of silence.)

      I have participated in structured silence and silent retreats, but that isn't what I'm looking for. Rather, I'm seeking that spontaneous quiet two established and affectionate friends on a similar wavelength share.

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  4. What I meant by going to a silent retreat is that these might be places for you to meet the person and persons you are yearning to meet. People who know and honor the value of silence may be more apt to go to a silent retreat (or a partially silent retreat, or a nature retreat) than to an on-line dating site. Just a thought as you are so beautifully in the process of honing in on what will bring you joy.

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    1. I do guess one sometimes has to invest their time and money to attend classes, retreats, church services, travel tours, and meet ups to find like minded people. I've had little luck there meeting people like me, who like to explore, make it up as they go along, and avoid structured activities. Wild ducks, or free spirits, we are. One activity I am going to participate in this spring is cycling with a local club. And even that - going on a predetermined route - is hard to swallow. But, as you say, it's a great starting point.

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    2. I think that now that you really really are knowing what you want, you will find it. I trust that and hope for it for you. You have a great start with Howard so just project that energy forward!! I am so glad you are back on your bike. I like that ...wild ducks.
      Honk!!

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    3. Knowing what you want DOES make a huge difference in forming a plan to find it, and finally doing just that.

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  5. Somehow I have survived the First Year. You bloggers have helped me. Most of you are a little further along in the grief and I so appreciate you sharing. The biggest lament of my 55+ widow friends is exactly this same thread ... how do we make friends, REAL friends, at this stage of our lives?

    I saw this on Facebook today (I tried to add the photo and lost my whole long blah blah blah, yada, yada, yada)

    WHY COMPLICATE LIFE:
    Missing somebody? CALL
    Wanna meet up? INVITE
    Wanna be understood? EXPLAIN
    Have questions? ASK
    Don't like something? SAY IT
    Like something? STATE IT
    Want something? ASK FOR IT

    We have just one life. Keep it simple.

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    1. Yes Yes Yes! It's this simple. It appears for me, to keep it this beautifully simple, I need to grow beyond, around, though this signature wound called widowhood. Doing this is a team effort, isn't it?

      There's another saying I like:

      As we grow up, we realize it is less important to have lots of friends,
      and more important to have real ones.

      @amandamcrae

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