Sunday, April 13, 2014

The Friendship Hour

I need to stop saying "Gee.  Wouldn't It Be Nice to ..." and realize this is as good as it gets.  I'm sitting outside on my deck sipping coffee and checking e-mail, a ritual I enjoy when it's warmer than 50 degrees.  On those rare occasions when my brother's here,  we sit outside and let our minds rest, absorbing the water view, the bird calls, the play of light as the sun edges higher.  It's a ritual I love.  It is sweet, made even sweeter with the presence of a gentle soul that appreciates companionable silence.  Yet, of the boyfriends and girlfriends and sisters who have stayed overnight, none sit quietly, letting nature speak.  My late husband and I didn't even do this; he'd be off to a meeting before 7:30 most days.

Clearly I know too few people.  I know that I want to enjoy every moment fully, but shoot, some moments are better for sharing.   Call me a dreamer.  Call me a romantic.  Nothing makes me feel loved quite as much as sharing these quiet moments.  Why are they so dam hard to come by?  Is it just me?

In case it's me, I have hired a Life Coach.  A Friendship Coach.  A Mentor.  Actually, she doesn't call herself any of these.  She calls herself a therapist.  Well, whatever.  She's ahead of me on this road of recovery from loss.  She has qualities I admire.  Authenticity.  Emotional responsiveness.  Playfulness.  Availability in person (O.K., for a price).  I can learn from her.

I'm happy, excited to be bicycling and gardening again, but my social diet is more like a fast.  I'm one female confidante away from being merely the friendly gal seen now and again.  The intimacy I knew with my husband and boyfriends has become a distant memory.  The sibling who 'gets me' lives two and a half hours away.  If I didn't have this blog to bear witness to my deepest thoughts I fear I'd vanish in the sea of 'nice' women around here.  I want an anam cara.   Anam cara is the Celtic expression for the deep bond formed when two people are so open and trusting that their souls begin to flow together. 

Some people say if you want that kind of unconditional love, get a dog.  I say, turn to a real friend, a soul friend.  I can't imagine my life without one.  Yet, here I am.  Somehow I've got to get from here to there.  My journey begins...