Saturday, December 8, 2012
Moving forward, with the emergency brake on
"I'm alone. Who can help me out here? " I once cried out.
Silence. I will never forget that relentless silence when he died. I begged for his help beyond his grave. Silence. Nothing. Occasionally I'd be blessed with a glimmer that he was beside me, but damned if this glimmer was going to help me with something I really needed. Silence. Nothing.
Nothing to do but pick up those pieces and "Suck it up, Marine".
Let me tell you what life is like for this widow seven long years later: it is a lovingly crafted system with fewer moving parts, each designed to not overwhelm. Discipline and indulgence teeter on a fulcrum of faith in God and the ultimate goodness of life. I don't ask for perfect, predictable circumstances. That would be dull. Instead I ask for equilibrium. After my long fall through hell before and after my husband died, I want peacefulness at the conclusion of each day.
I've long assumed that peacefulness for me requires solitude. I've actually become a bit of a hermit, enjoying my own projects, my own timing, my own weightless independence. Though I have felt the longing for union, evidently it's more in the abstract. My first relationship as a widow was fairly insubstantial and never really threatened my equilibrium.
Now a man has come into my life. A good man. With him I feel a caring and a peace. Peace with someone. This is new. I didn't even feel this sense of soul peacefulness with my late husband. This new peacefulness is also extremely unsettling. Does this make any sense? What if I fall in love, need someone, and lose what life I've created on my own, not to mention, lose him if he dies? I will experience another very hard fall into hell. It cost me years to recover when my late husband died. Rationally, I say this could be a long free fall into heaven if I let go. But this isn't how I feel.
So my hand is on the emergency brake, and my life grinds forward. This is the best I can do for now. I accept that God is in charge, and I will try to take my hand off that emergency brake and place it on His. God has always found a way to flow around, through, above and below a journey to hell or to heaven.
Does anybody have any advice on this? I could use some help.