Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Uncovering the 'me' without a 'he' or 'them'

I haven't had a 'he' living under my roof for six and a half years.  No 'thems' for over twenty years.  I don't miss the 'thems' but I do miss the 'he'.  I marvel at women my age or older who love living by themselves.  They say their life is so full.  Their time is their own.  It is meaningful and purposeful and enjoyable. 

I can't imagine this attitude.  Perhaps my time with my husband was too short, only twenty three years.   Perhaps it's my sex drive.  Perhaps it's my age.  Perhaps I simply want the male version of the species to balance my female version.  Perhaps I simply need help.

After his death, huge slices of me fell off, the 'me with him' parts.  Some were quite a relief.   Some left a gap in my fun meter.  Some were crippling; they revealed my undeveloped capabilities.  Widowhood is just one bloody challenge after another when you've lost the other half.  I made the mistake of thinking the couple we were was 'me'.   That I could do what 'we' could do.  Travel as boldly.  Plan household projects as broadly.  Dine out as frequently.  Entertain as easily.  Get as much done in a day's time.

Man, it was a big learning curve to just to keep my head above water.  Inevitably I got stronger and scaled back.  So who is the 'me' without 'he'?    Not simply the scaled back version.  I am a version that didn't even exist when he was here.  I just wish I could celebrate this fact.  Maybe scaled back enthusiasm is appropriate? 




  1. I feel disoriented, not quite me, limping along. Is this what an amputee feels like?
    Thanks for posting. Good luck to you!

  2. Can I ask which parts you were relieved about? Daisy

    1. I was relieved to not be his chauffeur, taking him to endless doctor's appointments, relieved to not be a victim of his procrastinating, relieved to be free of arguing. He was worth it, but sometimes taking care of him didn't leave much room for me!