Sunday, January 22, 2012
Yeah. I remember enthusiasm. Definition: 1. intense and eager enjoyment, interest or approval. 2. a thing that arouses such feelings.
Friends and family enthuse over their interests, and their enthusiasm is contagious, or at least a joy to watch. If they go on too long, though, I feel sad, out of the loop. My own enthusiasm is weak. It has not roared back to life. In fact, I had more when my husband first died, because I was still going strong with his love. My priorities were obvious to me. In the fifth and sixth years, it dribbled away quietly, when I least expected it to.
I embraced my future. I have opened so many new windows in my life to offer lifelong pleasure. I took up bicycing, running, swimming. I build new projects. I continue to garden, travel, camp, eat out, play piano, attend concerts, visit family and friends. I created a new home that I and my guests truly love. I've dated and fallen in love (didn't last) and taken a lover (grew tired of just that). I participate in community both off and online. However, my enthusiasm has not roared back to life. I have faith that I'm on track, but a deep loneliness permeates my life. I need the twinkle in my eye. Can something I haven't tried be the answer? I can't fit another activity into my day. I would love to fit another mate into my day, but the fact is, not every wonderful and deserving person finds an appreciative mate. One thing I haven't tried is an expectations adjustment. My life doesn't have nearly the color and enthusiasm it once did, and perhaps I'm tormenting myself by asking it to.
Close your eyes. Clear your heart. Let it go.